VSMARTY: So when was the last time you were roofied?
PENNY: Roofied? I’ve never been roofied before… although I think it’s the thing to do in Vegas. So here’s hoping (crossing fingers). I’ve always wanted to roofie someone though. I think it would be pretty fun.
VSMARTY: That’s the big thing now – for girls to roofie guys.
PENNY: I think that would be awesome. I wouldn’t hurt them – I would just like… you know… embarrass the shit out of them. I’d like, you know, dress them up like a baby, and then like, put Jell-O in their underwear. (laughter) And then put Band-Aids… so they think they’re injured, and they take it off and there’s no injury… “Ha-ha, caught you. You’ve been roofied.”
VSMARTY: You’ll have to do that – I think that’s the new thing.
PENNY: I think I will, I think uh, April 15th. That’s the day… I don’t know why.
VSMARTY: Tax day.
VSMARTY: Tax day.
VSMARTY: Roofie the government.
PENNY: The government? Okay. I think they need to be roofied a little bit.
VSMARTY: I agree. Last coke binge?
PENNY: I can’t drink soda. The sugar and caffeine mixture turns me into a demon, and I’ve actually done a 12-step program to get off of it. So, I go to A.A. A lot of people go to A.A. for alcohol abuse, but you know, it’s just addiction, right.? Huh-huh. So, I can’t… can’t do it anymore. I’m a different person now, so thanks.
VSMARTY: So do you stick with tequila?
VSMARTY: Vodka? Martinis?
PENNY: Well, I don’t know about that either. I can’t uh, I have irritable bowel syndrome, so when I drink alcohol, it just makes me poop.
VSMARTY: I saw this video of you and you were just sitting puking. Not pooping.
PENNY: Yeah, that’s… that’ll do it. You see, you know, the Strip is just coated with it. It’s just all puke. You don’t know you’re walkin’ on it, but it’s like, pretty much 96% puke, and like 4% like cement or whatever.
VSMARTY: So you like Vegas?
PENNY: I love Vegas! It’s fun, AND there’s exciting people around… from all over the world.
VSMARTY: How long have you lived here?
PENNY: For two years now.
VSMARTY: Who do you live with?
PENNY: Uh… I live with my grandma, my Nana. Uh, we live out in Summerlin and we have a REALLY GOOD TIME together, and she even gives me my own room… which, I take care of, and I have a dog, as well, that I live with.
VSMARTY: Does she spank you if you don’t do your chores?
PENNY: Oh, no. She’s a strong woman, but she’s kicked me before, but she’s never used her hands ‘cause she has arthritis. So she’s uh, kicked me, but uh, dee-ser-ved-ly so.
VSMARTY: What did you do to get kicked?
PENNY: Oh, I just… I just was sassy to her. You shouldn’t really be sassy to elderly people, uh, because first of all, you don’t know what they’ll do – they’re fucking nuts, man. And second of all, they’ve lived through like a whole bunch of stuff, like wars and uh, Ronald Reagan and stuff, so they’re pretty pissed off, and they don’t care about anything anymore, they just, uh, you know, they react… they’re like uh, pimples, kinda. They could be sweet and really cute, and their eyes are like, “I love you so much.” But then you do one thing and they like eat your… eat your uh, soul. And then you’ll always be scared of old people forever after that.
VSMARTY: Tell me about your favorite fairytale.
PENNY: Fairytale, oh boy! Well, you know my favorite fairytale is just mixing a whole bunch of fairytales up, so I like, I use my imagination, and I like to pretend a lot. I like to, you know, make up stories. I mean, we’ve all heard Snow White and, “Oh she’s so beautiful, blah, blah, blah.” What about the real stories? …about ugly chicks?
VSMARTY: What are those real stories? Growing up…
PENNY: Huh? What other stories?
VSMARTY: What are they?
PENNY: Oh, I don’t know.
VSMARTY: Do you have any? What are you reading about there?
PENNY: This is a stunt book. It says: “600 Stunts for all Gay Occasions”.
VSMARTY: Hmm… so is it referencing homosexuality... or is it referencing “gay”?
PENNY: There’s no photos or anything. I just like it because it said “Gay Occasions” on it, and I got excited… and it smells good, too.
VSMARTY: What’s it smell like?
PENNY: Burning. Do you like the smell of books?
PENNY: (gleeful) Me too! I like it. That’s the first thing I do when I look at a book. Some people look at the covers. (hand-gesturing) Bull-shit, bro! You gotta smell it! If it smells right, then you should read it.
VSMARTY: Alright, sexually-transmitted diseases…
PENNY: Was that the answer?
VSMARTY: No, it’s a question.
PENNY: Do I have any?
VSMARTY: No, well, yes.
PENNY: No, but then hell, I mean, I go to the gynecologist like every other week so… I’m pretty uh, you know, I’m pretty up there.
VSMARTY: Are you OCD?
PENNY: Nnn, nnn, No. No, because I’m pretty messy, so, and you know I get… I think an OCD person is very careful, and I’m not careful at all. I’m very clumsy. And I don’t think those two, you know. (hand-gesturing fingers meshing together)
VSMARTY: You’re clumsy?
PENNY: Yeah, I fall down and scrape my legs, and I… When I cut things, I don’t really look at what I’m cutting, so I cut my fingers off.
VSMARTY: Have you cut your fingers off lately?
PENNY: Maybe last year I did. I had a scar.
VSMARTY: Did you have to get it sewn back on?
PENNY: No, because I was too afraid to go to the doctor, so I just kinda like ignored it, and basically, my skin just kinda did it, itself. It wasn’t too bad, but I was eating dinner with Melody Sweets, my best friend from Absinthe, and we were cooking, and I cut my finger off, and I didn’t tell her, and we ate the food, and I think she ate some of my finger. True story. True story.
VSMARTY: She certainly had a little of your blood probably. That’s kind of sexy, actually.
PENNY: Yeah, well, we’re blood sisters now. I mean, we’re finger sisters.
VSMARTY: That sounds kinky.
PENNY: Well, I don’t know – to each his own.
VSMARTY: I’m gonna give you her hand puppet. I’m gonna go get it, hold on. In the meantime, can you read us an excerpt from the book?
PENNY: Yes. Give me a page 1 through 300-and-35.
VSMARTY: This is Melody, right? (showing Penny the hand puppet)
PENNY: Yes. Oh, her skirt’s off.
VSMARTY: Do you have one that’s you?
PENNY: The purple one. The girl right there. Um, Melody is bottomless.
VSMARTY: So first I’m gonna have you read an excerpt from the book. Then I want you to have a conversation between you and Melody.
PENNY: Okay. Gimme a page.
PENNY: (clearing her throat, Penny reads the passage with great emotion, then pauses). Keep going?
VSMARTY: No, that’s good. Thank you. (applauding)
PENNY: I got a reading award in 1st grade, in Mrs. Norlin’s class.
VSMARTY: You remember your 1st grade teacher’s name?!
PENNY: Yeah, Mrs. Norlin. Don’t you?
PENNY: And in 3rd grade was Miss Dichovay. 4th grade was Miss Sproulia. 5th was Mrs. Abrams. You don’t remember your teachers’ names?
VSMARTY: No. Brain dead with that stuff.
PENNY: Oh, man!
VSMARTY: I wasn’t there most of the time.
PENNY: Teachers shape us.
VSMARTY: Alright, right hand is Melody. Left is Penny.
PENNY: Yes. Do you want me to talk?
VSMARTY: Yes. Melody comes over your house.
(Penny performs a puppet show)
(knock, knock, knock)
PENNY: Come in.
MELODY: Hello, Penny. How are you?
PENNY: Great. I missed you, Melody. (puppets hug)
PENNY: Come in and have some coffee. I’m just finishing some coffee – not for me, though.
MELODY: Oh, I love coffee, because I’m Italian.
(puppets skipping and humming “dum-dum, dum, da-dum, dum”)
PENNY: Here’s a cup of coffee.
MELODY: Oh, so sweet.
PENNY: And I am having a white tea.
(Penny looks up to explain – still in puppet character)
PENNY: Not because black tea is less… (pausing) Just ‘cause
it’s better for me.
MELODY: It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?
PENNY: Yes, it is. (Penny’s puppet goes into song) “The
sunshine is bright…”
MELODY: Why are you singing?
PENNY: Uh… I thought you liked singing.
MELODY: Yes, but I like it when I sing.
PENNY: Oh, I’m sorry, Melody (soft chuckle)
MELODY: Well, let me sing for you. …and the audience… (burlesque gravelly voice sings the horns) “Bah ba-ba-bah bum”
PENNY: (emulating a drummer’s hi-hat) “Ch-ch, ch-ch”
MELODY: (raspy singing) “Well, I am Melody Sweets, and I’m gonna see a show tonight. I’m gonna take off my clothes tonight.” (“Bah ba-ba-bah bum” … “Ch-ch, ch-ch”)
MELODY: (singing) “Here are my titties, I’m gonna show ‘em to ya’ – maybe you can help me out.”
PENNY: (still in rhythm) What happened to your singing? Now, it’s more like talking.
MELODY: “It doesn’t matter, because I’m gonna take my titties out!” (singing: “woh-woh, dah-dum,”) (Penny rips off the puppet’s top) (sexy screaming) Oh... ohh! (Penny rips of the remaining layers of clothing) “Ta-da, ta-da – naked Melody Sweets!”
PENNY: Oh, my gosh, Melody! What are you doing? Now you’re gonna show off your whole hoo-ha, like, to the world! You slut!
MELODY: Oh, I am a slut.
PENNY: Yeah, I guess every girl has a little bit of slut inside her.
MELODY: That’s true.
PENNY: The End!
PENNY: ...Gacking is like taking a pill. You just gotta like shut down that spot, you know, in the back of your mind that’s saying: “I’m gonna choke on a dick,” basically. You just gotta shut it off, and you think of other things. You think of popscicles and cherry blossoms and marshmallows. Don’t think about your dad – that doesn’t help. But you think of other things that you really really like, and then after all that, you stop noticing that something’s jabbing you in the back of your throat, and umm, you know the power of denial. It’s like my dad, see, he’s married to my mom, but he’s gay. But he’s still married to her. They’re getting a divorce, but he still does it in the butt. You can tell your mind to believe a lot of things, you know. True story. Hashtag.
VSMARTY: Best oral sex you’ve ever received?
PENNY: Does an accident count?
PENNY: Well, I guess I should tell you a story of how I lost my hymen, because that was the first time something interesting went down there. But it wasn’t very… it was kind of painful. I think most stories are like that. But I never really had anyone down there. I’ve heard of stories of putting peanut butter… and then your doggie does it, but uh, I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to do that, because I don’t think my dog likes me that way. I mean, he’s like a friend and stuff, but we haven’t really had that conversation yet.
VSMARTY: What kind of dog do you have?
PENNY: It’s a border terrier and poodle mix. He’s cute. I was gonna bring him today, but I thought he might be a handful.
VSMARTY: How big is he?
PENNY: (showing size with hands – about 2 feet
in length) His name’s Charlie. He’s a boy.
VSMARTY: Do you like boy dogs or girl dogs, or bitches, you know?
PENNY: Oh, bitches. No, I tend to go with boy dogs, just because like, I don’t want to deal with when they’re on their period. Like I don’t know what that’s about. I’d rather go with some nuts, and bones, and penises. Like, I can deal with that… on dogs anyway.
VSMARTY: What are your aspirations, Penny?
PENNY: Well, one of my short-term goals: I want to write a musical. And I want to write a one-woman musical. So I wanna play all the characters. I think I’ll probably have the band offstage. But to do that, that would be fun. And to do all the characters, and do all the character work and study… Long term goals: I want to live till I’m like 175. And then take a picture of my vagina, because no one has a picture of a 175 year-old vagina, and I think that would go down in history: the Guinness Book of World Records:
the “oldest vagina”.
VSMARTY: They’re saying you’re going to be able to live that long… PENNY: I think I will. Some people, I feel like when I meet them, I’m like: ‘You’re gonna die soon.’ But other people, I’m like: ‘You have an old sense about you, and I think you’ll live for a long time.’ For me, I think I’m gonna live a long time, if not be immortal.
VSMARTY: …with the unicorns and be a princess?
VSMARTY: Do you believe in ghosts?
PENNY: Um, I’ve never seen a ghost, so for me, you can feel ghosts. And this one time, I was in the house, and someone was like: “Oh, I bet there’s a ghost here.” And I was like, “Yeah, I know, what do you know!” And then the door slammed. Oh, my God! I peed my pants. I swear I did, I peed my pants! It was pretty scary. So who knows where our souls go. Aaaaahhhh…
VSMARTY: What’s your favorite thing about Absinthe?
PENNY: Hanging out with everybody, and everyone being my friend. And getting a chance to try to hump the Gazillionaire in any way possible.
VSMARTY: What does he expect of you?
PENNY: Everything and nothing. Because I usually let him down. But, you know, I was basically like a Somalian kid and he picked me up, he was like one of those people who gave me “$20 a month to save a kid.” And he gave me like $15 a month and he saved my life. I mean, I had no direction to go to, and now I follow him around and he tells me to do things, and I don’t do them very well, but I do them.
VSMARTY: What’s he ask you to do on a daily basis?
PENNY: You know, like normal assistant things, like pick up his dry cleaning, scrub the pool, pick up escorts and take them to other locations, walk his Rottweilers – which is frightening… I get him food and then spill it. You know, I draw him a lot of pictures, that’s not even a requirement, but I like to do it and he tells me he has a pile of all my pictures in the fireplace.
VSMARTY: Thank you, Penny.
PENNY: Thanks for having me! And REMEMBER, there will always be adventures… if you look for them.