DON'T BREATHE Movie Review by The Commander


1-1/2 (out of 4 stars) 
When I first saw the previews of this movie I thought to myself:  ‘WOW!  What an interesting idea.  This may actually be a good movie.’  WRONG!  This is probably one of the dumbest movies I have seen.  I was hoping that it would be a scary movie, but once again, I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire film.
Here's the premise.  Three millennials (Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette and Daniel Zovatto) want to steal $300,000 from a blind man (Steven Lang) who lives in a rundown house on a deserted block.  After they break into his house, they find out that he’s not so helpless and become his captives, as they desperately try to escape.  Sounds interesting, right?  Too bad the reality of the scenes in between the entrance and the exit of the house are based in cartoon-land. 
Writer, Director, Producer Fede Alvarez (Panic Attack, Evil Dead), whose credits are limited, must have relied on Sam Raimi (whom he worked with on Evil Dead) for inspiration, since many elements from his own and other movies are brought into this film.  What else would you expect from Raimi, who is a Director and Producer of movies such as Evil Dead, Drag Me to Hell, Army of Darkness and Spiderman, who took those cartoon effects and threw them into a new movie.
Then they added a whole subplot about the blind man’s daughter who was killed in an automobile accident.  The ex-military blind man kidnapped the girl responsible, who was acquitted in court, and impregnates her so she can deliver him a new daughter.  He accomplishes this by having his own private sperm bank in his rundown basement and inseminating her using a turkey baster.  Give me a break.  Really?  Like keeping sperm alive in your own, personal cryo-sperm bank can actually exist outside of an intense, controlled environment and you can use a turkey baster to inseminate a woman.  I don’t remember reading this method of insemination in the New England Journal of Medicine, but then again I am a little behind on my reading.

But let's not go into incredible technical details—let's look at the obvious.  They enter a blind man's house and don't bother to turn on the lights.  Who's going to notice?  They use flashlights like a cat burglar.  It's this type of silliness that just drives this film into absurdity.

And of course, they're trying to stay silent, so the blind man can't figure out where they are by listening (blind people use their hearing to locate moving objects) instead of just simply turning on radios, TVs, appliances, and anything else that makes noise to distract the sensory perception once they are discovered.  Did these kids ever graduate third grade, let alone high school?
I expect that this movie will do very well at the box office, since it appeals to the younger movie-going audiences who believe in fantasy.  I wish the audience were more intelligent than this film makes them out to be—because if you believe this premise, I've got some fabulous swamp land to sell you at super cheap prices.  

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