The Visit - Movie Review by The Commander


1/2 (out of 4 stars) 


The Visit by M. Night Shyamalan is probably the worst movie I have ever seen this year and possibly the worst movie in my entire life.  It makes The Interview (the Seth Rogen film that caused a worldwide meltdown of the Sony Corp.) look like the Academy Award Winner for Best Movie, as compared to this crap.  This so-called horror movie that’s supposed to have you screaming at the edge of your seat is more of a bad comedy, where literally everyone in the audience couldn't stop laughing both at the story and the movie.


Once considered the next Spielberg of directors with his great hit, The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan has steadily gone downhill with almost no end in sight.  Hopefully, this movie will be the end of his career.  Anyone who gives this man money to write and direct films needs to have a full frontal lobotomy and his throat slashed at the same time. 


I really hated this movie.  In fact, I hated it so much, I'm going to break my rule of not disclosing the plot and I'm going to tell you everything about this movie, so that you won’t see it.  There is no reason for you to waste your money or (if you could see it for free, like I did) valuable time on this crap.  Add the fact that this movie was shot by a handheld camera by a person who had 4th stage Parkinson’s, shaking constantly, shooting the floor, legs and feet, constantly falling down, made you nauseous from the get-go.  No matter how the director tries to imitate other movies’ cinematography, this type of filming is nauseating for the audience.  I've seen better video shot on an iPhone


OK, so here's the plot:  Two teenage kids from a broken home go to visit their grandparents for a week while their mother is on a company paid vacation on a cruise ship.  What we discovered is that their grandparents are a little “off” after 9:30PM and unless you were deaf, dumb and blind, you didn't realize that these were not their grandparents.  They were actually two mental patients that killed their grandparents from a psychiatric hospital where they grandparents volunteer their time.  You figured this out within 15 minutes from the beginning of the movie.  Maybe it was all the spoilers from people coming to visit using the same phrase:  “We haven't seen your grandparents for a week, where are they?”  So now that we know the underlying subplot, all you can do is laugh at the animated characteristics of the grandmother who becomes totally psychotic at night.  And for an add-on scary touch, they’re told not to go into the basement.  It’s got MOLD!  Oh, just too scary for me!


The kids keep in touch with their mother while she’s on the cruise ship via their laptop computer using Skype.  We see about a dozen people doing those stupid dance moves out on the main concourse;  this scene is so staged.  I just returned from a Carnival cruise and there were over 500 people doing this routine.  I would have loved it if my ship was that sparse.  So you see, nothing in this film was realistic.  Of course this daily ritual quickly ends as the grandmother “accidently” spills oven cleaner on the computer’s camera, which prevents two-way video.  We can see her mother, but she can’t see her kids… or the grandparents.  Another dead giveaway was that these are not their grandparents.


It wasn't until the third day that something sinister starts to appear, but by this time we're laughing so hard there's nothing scary about this movie.  All the while the children are filming their adventure through their camera, we are forced to watch the jittery jumping dropping super close-up video in real time.  I've flown on planes traveling through a hurricane that were smoother than the video in this film.


By the last day, the girl is able to “scratch off” enough of the oven cleaner so that a picture is possible (I tried duplicating this at home, I did it in seconds with a wet paper towel).  When the kids finally reach their mother who’s now back at home, she informs them that these are not their grandparents (no shit, Sherlock).  The kids in horror talk about leaving the house, but don’t, and wait till their mother shows up with the police nine hours later (I know, you’re having trouble trying to stop laughing).  The girl now decided to venture into the mold infested basement, only to find that their real grandparents are dead with their bodies rotting in a corner.  Maybe that’s the source of the mold, ‘ya think’?  Really, give me a break.  A neighbor who came by earlier in the week, hanging from a tree by the neck, would also be a “dead giveaway” (excuse the pun) that something is wrong.  This is what M. Night Shyamalan’s writing has come to, pure garbage. 


And just to show you that I'm not one-sided, everyone who walked out of this movie also hated it as well.  So do the world a favor, boycott any movie that includes M. Night Shyamalan as either a writer or director and maybe we can put this guy out of his misery.  Just to show you that this is not a personal attack, at the end of the movie he includes a scene where he prefaces by stating:  “My brother wanted me to put this in the film.”  So what is the scene you may ask?  It's the young kid doing a rap, which is the way he started of the movie.  It's supposed to be so cute they just had to do it twice.  Anyone you know wants to pay to see a 13-year-old kid rapping?  Go watch it on YouTube—it's cheaper, and most likely, better.

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